I’ve definitely made the mistake over and over again of letting my negative thoughts or circumstances control my outcome. As a child, I grew up in a very abusive environment. I suffered everything from being burned with matches to locked in a trunk of a car. I went through years of physical and emotional abuse. Then one day, I decided no more! I was old enough to move out on my own. I went to school, worked a night job and took extra classes at a community college. When I finally had enough money, I moved away from that toxic environment. What I didn’t count on, was the fact that my bad karma, bad thoughts and bad past had sneaked in and implanted those negative thoughts in my mind. Whenever something good would happen in my life, I automatically expected something bad to happen. I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop! It has taken many years and many lessons for me to learn how not to let my negative past, my negative thoughts control my outcome. To this day, I still research and work on improving myself in this area.
For anyone who has ever lived an abusive life, one of the most important rules I learned is that you must forgive yourself. You may think you have done nothing wrong but that’s not true. What we do the abused is find ways to blame ourselves subconsciously. We often feel that we must have done something to deserve the abuse. We also tend to dwell in the negative and fail to recognize or have faith in positive outcomes. Maybe this doesn’t apply to everyone but it does apply to most. For me, the biggest obstacle was learning to let go and forgive myself. The next step was forgiving my abusers. Yes, forgiveness will set you free and allow your mind to take steps to re-training. Re-train your mind to think positively. When those negative thoughts arise, say to yourself, “Hello negative thoughts, thank you but no thank you. You can leave now”. We are all unique individuals with different beliefs. For me, I believe in God so I call in the white light of protection and my guardian angels. For others, you may believe in karma or the universe. Whatever your beliefs, call in and ask for help and protection. Protection from those negative thoughts. Learn to release all of your negative energy, all of your past horror and accept a new, bright and positive future.
Children learn and develop patterns from a very young age. They imitate what they see around them and often fall victim to abusers because what they see, what they have learned becomes their normal. For me, my dad died when I was very little. My mom became involved with an abuser. This man was insanely jealous. He would beat her for taking out the trash and looking at a passing car, thinking she was flirting with someone. He was verbally and physically abusive. I saw how he talked to her, how he treated her and I also saw how she submitted to him out of fear. My mom passed away a few years ago and I hope she’s resting in peace. My step-father was a very abusive man who finally committed suicide. Later in years my mom met a wonderful man. It took her 3 tries to find the right one. By then she was already in her later part of life. I’m happy she found some love and happiness before she passed.
Having seen all of that abuse, as I grew I started to repeat some of the patterns I learned. I thought it was normal for men to be the boss, be controlling and women to be submissive. I thought it was normal for people to argue over stupid things. I lacked self-confidence as well as the feeling of truly being loved by someone. I loved my mother but I felt she couldn’t really protect me from the trauma because she was so fearful herself. In turn, I chose destructive relationships in my life time. I wanted to feel that love but I had no idea how it was suppose to feel. I practically choked on my words if I had to say “I love you” to someone. To me, anyone who loved you eventually hurt you. Love had become a bad thing. It wasn’t until later in years I met someone who made me feel safe, loved and secure. We made beautiful children together. It was then I realized what true love was. The love I felt as a mother was like no love I had ever experienced. I knew I would never allow them to live the destructive and painful type of life that I lived. I would forever protect them and love them completely.
For years I had gone into deep depressions and didn’t even realize it. When I was younger, it was normal for doctors to write you a prescription for valium or librium. Anything to numb the pain. Now a days, I admit sometimes that depression sneaks up on me; the difference is, I recognize and am proactive in killing it off. I consciously practice mindfulness and positive thinking. I look to my faith as well. Every day I list at least three positives no matter how small. It may look something like this: “I am thankful for my dog who loves me unconditionally, I am thankful to have a job, I am thankful the sun was out today.” It doesn’t matter what your three positives are as long as you recognize them, acknowledge them and claim them as yours. When something bad happens..and bad things do still happen, step back from the situation, write down what went wrong, why it went wrong and ask yourself how you can change it so it won’t happen again. Keeping a journal is a big help. You can always go back, read your journal and recognize any recurring patterns. Eventually you will see the lesson, acknowledge the lesson and find the tools to break the pattern.
For all of you who are suffering abuse or depression, I hope this helps you a little today. I write a regular column for City to Country Magazine called #SuesCoffeeTalk. It comes out bi-monthly. You can order it online or in hard copy. I’ll post the links here. Until then, you can always follow me here. I hope you have a wonderful day. Think positive! Namaste
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